Being alive is embarrassing. by dark
Getting it.


The familiar metallic taste.
Last night was the first time I felt used by Hot Teacher. If felt different. It made me feel so sad and empty I silently cried in her bed as I held her and waited for her to sleep.

I have a lot to say, but I keep struggling  to have it come out.  I know I am just struggling to define myself. To figure out who I am, and what I like.  My behavior, a mix of coping mechanisms from childhood and something new. Do I like being reckless? Am I always logical?

Ok, I just need to document this. These are not just the few day sads. It's not the type of soul crushing emptyness that I felt during and after my relationship with Sarah. I'm pretty sure that type of hysterical behavior can only be produced when you are involved with someone who puts you down every day.
No, this is the feeling I used to get when I was younger and it is producing very similar results. Bad habits can be very hard to break.
It's true. I quit smoking when I was with Sarah, after we broke up I picked it back up. Nail biting? Yes. Binge drinking? Guilty. Processing my emotions in an unhealthy way? Here we are.

This is the kind of sad that makes me simultaneously hate everyone and thing everything I say is stupid.

Now I'm the alterna-teen I always hoped to be.

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