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by of course not
( 16, Female )

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Not Enough
01-26-13 04:55 PM

Dear stranger,

Yesterday night, I had fallen asleep crying. 

I know. Depressing way to start an entry but that's how I fell asleep. Why? I guess I was too tired to keep it all in. Keep everything in. It's not a rare thing for me to do though. Its more like a biannual thing. I cry, I let off some steam.

But the main reason I cry is because of too much over-thinking. I had been thinking so much of things that I guess I started to notice some things and they aren't good things.

1] I'm a loner. 
   I can't really help it I guess. That's how I've always been when no one sees me. You know the quote, "The person you are behind doors is the true you?" Well, that's what I am. I'm a complete loner behind doors. 

2] I'm very dependent on my friends. 
     I don't want to be but I just am. I cling onto them, metaphorically, because they're familiar to me. They take out my air of awkwardness. They sort of know me.But they don't. They just think that they do.
3] I'm depressing and unsociable.
  I don't seem like it if you ever see me in real life but it's just a cover up. It's something that shields me from spilling out anything that's real about me. Anything that they can use to... I don't know. I just don't trust anyone and I doubt none of them would judge for who I am inside. "The person you are behind doors is who you really are," the saying goes. And I'm all types of shy, timid, and unsocialite behind doors.
4] My family is...
  There are some things that are going on right now for me. My biological father has been trying to contact me. His reasons are completely unclear since I haven't seen him since I was three or four. He's been hiding from the law since then because he doesn't want to pay child custody. So, my stepfather is filing an adoption. But the thing is, I fear courts. Fear being part of a case, no matter how miniscule. I don't want to go stand in front of a judge and say, "I want this adoption to push through because..." I just don't.
There's more reasons but I don't have the time to list them down. But maybe another time. When I have my mind organized.

Current Music: The Last Something That Means Anything - Mayday Parade
Current Mood: Depressed Depressed

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